For Love or Money

Music can change the world.  Music influences our societies, describes our communities, and revolutionizes our culture.  Understanding this is a key concept in becoming a global citizen.  Global citizenship is something that every human being on the planet should aspire to attain.  The citizenship I speak of is not officially placed by any group or organization.  There is no global state that admits one into this citizenship.  Global citizenship must be realized, and then put into action.  

One facet of global citizenship is understanding music and it's power.  Music and musical practices have an immense power to influence human society.  Two examples of this power would be the civil rights movement in the United States during the twentieth century, and the rise of the third reich and the Nazi party.  Both movements used music in similar ways to accomplished very different goals.  One was attempting to remove prejudice and hate from a society while the other was trying to implement hatred and prejudice.  Freedom songs sung during the Great march on Washington in 1963 empowered activists and sought to end racism in America.  In Germany, songs written by propagandists were used to place fear and hatred into the hearts and minds of the listeners.  In these specific cases, both parties achieved their goals.  Civil rights were granted to the minorities in the United States, and the Nazi party took control of Germany and most of Western Europe committing mass genocide and other treacherous acts.  This is the power of music, and with great power comes great responsibility (Spiderman).

Global citizenship also requires that individuals analyze the music of society in order to better understand a society and theirs goals.  Music reveals the true values of a society.  In cosmopolitan cities, high fidelity and presentational music fields are the most popular forms of music.  Both of these competitive and hierarchical fields show the values of the society.  They value virtuosity and skill in music and create a clear barrier between performer and audience.  They also value the financial success and fame of the artists.  The idolization of artists for their virtuosity or success creates a very exclusive idea of music.  They believe musical participation is only for professional musicians or artists.  In Zimbabwe, the participatory music field is the most popular form of musical acts.  They value group participation, degree of participation, inclusiveness, and most importantly socialization.  This creates a very free and democratic idea of music.  There is no competition and anyone can be a musician.  Global citizens must be able to reach these conclusions based on a societies music in order to understand what type of society that they inhabit.  

The most important characteristic of global citizenship is recognition.  Recognition that as an individual, they are a part of many communities: local, state, national and global.  Once this is recognized, a global citizen must realize that they are responsible for their actions that may effect people in places far away.  One example of this recognition would be the disinvestment in South Africa during the 1980's.  When news of apartheid reached Europe and North America, people disinvested in South Africa because they did not want to support the apartheid.  Although the investors were not being effected by apartheid directly, they still did not want to support it.  Another example of global citizenship would be shopping locally in order to support local businesses and improve your community.

Global citizenship can be manifested in many ways.  These manifestations usually take place outside of the capitalistic framework and embody principals of participatory music and DIY.  Shopping at the local farmer's market rather than going to Walmart is a perfect example of the manifestation of global citizenship.  While Walmart may have better prices, the quality of their produce is subpar in comparison to the fresh and locally grown produce.  More importantly, when you buy a tomato at Walmart, your money does not stay in your community.  The profit Walmart makes is given to investors, who probably do no live in your local community (unless you are a part of the Walton family).  On the other hand, if you buy a tomato at your local farmer's market, the money stays in your community.  The profit is given directly to the farmer, who then uses that money to buy food, pay taxes (which are used to build roads, schools, libraries and other cool things that make a society great), send his children to school, and put a roof over that farmer's head.  Global citizenship requires individuals to see the relationship between their actions as a consumer and the effects those actions have on the world.  

To manifest this type of citizenship in your own community, you must have a goal and make a plan.  Getting people involved in your efforts will create change, and everyone can make a difference.  However cliched that just sounded, it is absolutely true.  The civil rights movement and Nazi party were both grassroots operations that evolved over time and eventually changed the world as we now know it.  This "real change" that you would like to implement requires two things.  Participation and time.  The formula for instituting real change in your community is: participation x time = change.  For example, if you desire to change the mode of transportation in your community because you prefer bicycles over cars for the environmental reasons and health benefits, you could.  Starting with a small group of people you start cycling everywhere you go.  Over time you gather enough people and you petition your local government requesting bike lanes on every street.  You garner enough participants and allow anyone to join regardless of age, race, or sex.  Over time, this change will become more concrete.  Once bicycling stretches out over generations in your community, this change will become long term through social reproduction.  In other words, bicycling will become a tradition that will be practiced in your community long after you die.

The responsibilities of a global citizen are as follows.  A GC (global citizen) must be aware of the society he or she inhabits.  GC's must recognize their own responsibility to themselves and to their fellow citizens to make the world in which they live a better place.  A GC must have the public interest as their number one priority.  GC's must also recognize the consequences that follow their actions, in their own community, and world-wide.  Imagine if every decision in the world was made with the public interest in mind.  There would be no war, no hunger, less disease, improved qualities of life, and more happiness. 

Now that you have been enlightened, you must go out and strive to manifest your global citizenship.  You have the power to change the world, and you can start in your own backyard.  

So go out, plant a flower, make music, hug a tree, improve your surroundings, fight the power, love everyone, embrace diversity, shop locally, help a stranger, think of the consequences of your actions, and keep the public interest at the top of your priorities.  

It's a big world, but we can make big changes.  

Global citizens of the world unite!!

~ Joe

Teach Me How to Contra

Last night I took part in a traditional participatory activity called Contra dancing.  This experience brought me to the realization that I could never pursue a career as a professional dancer.  As sad as that may be, my experience at the contra dance was actually really enjoyable.  Contra dancing made me feel young and involved, it is definitely something I plan on doing again, and it has many benefits for the individuals involved as well as the community.  

The dance itself can be really confusing.  I was keeping an open mind, and by the time we reached the Boys and Girls Club on Lincoln Street, I was ready to cut a rug.  When my classmates and I arrived, we were the only dancers in the tiny, old, hardwood gym.  The musicians, playing the fiddle and mandolin, were warming up and tuning their instruments.  The caller (man or woman responsible for calling out the dance "calls" or moves for the rest of the dancers to follow) introduced herself to my class and began explaining the basic movements.  I was trying my best to follow along and to remember each call, but I figured that if anything went wrong I could compensate by improvising (bullsh*tting) my way through.  

We had just learned the dance and were told to choose a partner.  All of my classmates were novices, so I wanted an experienced partner.  A young lady approached me and asked for the next dance.  I obliged and we began spinning around, turning back and forth down the hall.   The combination of the constant motion and spinning resulted in a dizzying attempt at the contra dance.  My vertigo increased with every spin, and by the end of the first dance I felt like a drunken merry-go-round operator.  

I was clearly one of the worst dancers in my line, stepping on feet, misreading the calls, and uttering "fuck," "shit," or "dunkard" with every mistake.  No matter how many times I messed up our line or our group, my dance partners all gave me the same response: a laugh, a smile, and a word of reassurance.  "It's okay," "Don't worry about it," "You'll get it next time."  These words made me feel safe, secure, and confident that I was not the only one ruining the dance.  

The other dancers there were made up of a diverse and wide range of ages, genders, and class.  I did feel very young being around all of the elderly dancers, but I still felt involved and a part of a group.  I wasn't afraid to dance with any of the women at the contra, and I did not feel intimidated walking up to my professors girlfriend and asking her to dance.  She was much more experienced than I, but she seemed delighted to help me with what my professor described as "a complete train wreck" that was my contra dancing.  

I would love to contra dance again, and I would like to have my mother accompany me.  It would be hard for her to step out of her comfort zone, but after a dance or two, I know she would enjoy it.  Anyone can participate. There is no judgment at the contra dance.  There is no competition.  There isn't even a fee to dance, however donations are appreciated.  There are degrees of difficulty that can be raised by adding elements like stomps, twirls, and claps.  This allows for anyone, regardless of skill level, to enjoy the dance. 

All of these features make contra dancing an event that benefits the dancers, and their community.  The dancers get to enjoy and participate.  Dances can last several hours and in some places go from dusk until dawn.  More importantly, the contra dance builds a community.  Socialization is the key characteristic of the contra dance.  Those involved value degree of participation, diversity and inclusiveness.  The people who return week after week form bonds and find connections amongst their fellow contra dancers.  

As a global citizen, I could definitely find a use for contra dancing in my local community.  Greenfield, Indiana has a large rural community and I could see some of the Greenfielders participating in a contra dance.  To my knowledge, there are no current contra dances that take place in Greenfield.  Maybe it's time for that to change.  

So grab your partner, get in line, and get ready to dance.

~ Joe

The Punks Are Alright

Punk music may seem like a chaotic and abrasive genre comprised of rebellion and teenage angst.  However, it can also be a genre full of hope.  In some places where there is no hope, punk is what brings people together.  

The punk rock genre began in the 1970's in the United Kingdom, United States, and Australia.  It was established using DIY principles, with band making their own recordings and distributing their music through informal means.  It was created by middle and lower class teenagers who were fed up with their quality of life and decided to create an escape.  Punk rock songs are usually short and fast paced with simple instrumentation.  Punk is a very confrontational field of music.  The lyrics and song meanings are usually crass and violent.  Characteristics of punk rock fans and artists include black clothing, unusual or extravagant hairstyles, safety pins, tattoos, and body piercings.  These are all meant to confront the problems with mainstream society.  They use violent lyrics, fast paced beats, and extremely loud music to wake up the rest of society.  Punk uses confrontational methods to get it's message across.   

In Brazil and Indonesia, where quality of life is poor and oppression is real, punk has found a home.  In the rockumentary The Punks Are Alright, punk artists and fans from Canada, Brazil and Indonesia are interviewed and asked about their experiences in the punk scene. The documentary covers the punk communities that have formed in Brazil and Indonesia.  

Dolly, a young man living in Bali, works for a Nike factory.  He makes $2.65 a day and spends four hours commuting to work.  Dolly does not enjoy his job or those he works with, but claims that he is lucky to even have a job.  Many times during his interviews Dolly calls punk rock his medicine.  It is his escape amidst the despair that surrounds him.  His favorite band, The Blind Pigs, is a Brazilian punk band from Brasil.  Dolly received a free The Blind Pigs CD from the band, who upon request gave their album to Dolly for free.  In return, Dolly made patches for the band using screen printing equipment.  This is one example of how the punk community can cross borders and create a global punk community.

  

In both Indonesia and Brazil, capitalism has failed for many of the people who live there.  The governments gain financially from foreign corporations (Nike factories in Indonesia) or from illegal markets like the drug trade in Brazil.  This is an example of capitalism failing the people of these countries.  The governments in Indonesia and Brazil take advantage of their people in order for those at the apex of the hierarchy to benefit financially.  When this happens, the quality of life declines and those in the lower class look for alternative ways of rebuilding their communities.  One of these alternatives is punk music or DIY.  

Punk is born out of situations in which capitalism has failed a society.  The people then decide to take matters into their own hands (literally) and to create a sense of community with participatory models for food production, homebuilding, transportation, health care, media, and music.  

Bloomington Farmer's Market 8-10-13

Bloomington Farmer's Market

One hour in the Bloomington Farmer's Market was clearly not enough.  By the time i had a chance to sample the local produce, grab an iced coffee, pet an exotic bird, and dance with African drummers, it was time for our group to leave.  I accomplished a lot in those sixty minutes, but I could have easily spent the entire day at the farmers market.  

Every Saturday from April to November, the City of Bloomington hosts a community farmer's market next to City Hall.  From 8 a.m. to 1 p.m. all are welcome to come support their local farmers and locally made products, while listening to the local musical attractions.  

I was amazed at the wide variety of music I could hear as I approached the outer edges of the market.  I entered was startled by the appearance of a scarlet macaw perched on the back of a bicycle.  The creature's owner stood next to his bird and we spoke for a while. "The people here would much rather come to a market, than go to a mall or supermarket.  This is a much more social place," he told me.  This idea of socialization in the market place has not been destroyed despite the focus on commercialization and saving money in today's markets.  

After seeing the macaw, i proceeded to an African drum circle.  A man in indigenous African garb smacked a drum with his hands as a woman in costume danced to the beat.  After studying the field of participatory music in class, I immediately recognized this as a participatory musical performance.  The woman dancing was joined by a small child who wandered into the middle of the space.  Everyone was keeping there distance from the drummer and dancer, making a distinct line between audience and artist.  Although this group was clearly a participatory act, the Americans could not identify that they were encouraged to participate.  The American crowd turned a participatory musical act into a presentational act because of their behavior.  I begged the people with me to join them in order to experience the performance for our class.  One of my classmates, Jacob Moore, decided to join me, and together we tried our best to follow the dancer who led the tiny group of women who had joined before us.  We danced and discovered that African dancing is fun, and hard.  

With my spirits lifted, I ventured into the rest of the market.  I grabbed a smooth iced coffee and my girlfriend snacked on a chocolate chip muffin that was available at a bakers tent.  We browsed the aisles of fresh produce, and after seeing such a wide variety of fruits and veggies, my girlfriend punched a small basket of fresh, tart blackberries for $3.  

Besides African drummers, the Bloomington community farmer's market offered a wide variety of musical performance.  A majority of the artists played folk music, which perfectly suited it's surroundings.  A bearded one-man band entitled, "The Wildflower Union" sang, played bass drum and mandolin.  Other artists were two piece folk groups, with a few solo artists spread out in between.  Some were better than others, but this venue did not have a competitive feeling whatsoever.  Instead the artists were all being given the same opportunity to perform for free and in the name of pure enjoyment and socialization.  

The Bloomington community farmer's market was a wonderful environment for socialization. Live music, participatory musical groups and presentational acts filled the air with music, while crowds of hungry people surveyed the market, in search of a ripe peach.  If given more time I would love to explore the market and speak to the people who frequent it, but I think my experience there was sufficient.  I look forward to going to many more farmer's markets while I inhabit the great city of Bloomington, and I would encourage anyone to visit their local food market in search of that perfect peach or tomato.  Happy hunting, and buy local.  

~ Joe

Four Fields of Music Making

Participatory Music

Participatory music is the absence of distinction made between audience and artist.  In this field of music there are no capital gains or profits to be had.  Rather the participants are only looking to benefit from the experience spiritually, socially, and for pure enjoyment.  There are many examples of this music that range from tribal drum circles found in Zimbabwe to North American Contra dancing.  Other examples of cooperative music making that takes place on a much grander scale are fight songs:  songs used to show pride, loyalty and patriotism.  They take place in stadiums holding tens of thousands of people uniting in song to praise, encourage, and uplift athletes "fighting" for the fans.  These songs are extremely popular amongst fans of the English Premier League, which is considered by many to be the apex of all leagues in terms of skill level and competition.  These loyal and dedicated fans recite songs that glorify their team or even specific players.  The first video is a great example of a fight song for a specific player.  Fernando Torresis a Spanish footballer who was traded from Atletico Madrid to Liverpool FC in 2007.  He was a leader on the pitch and a weapon in the attack, scoring loads of goals during his career at Liverpool.  He was given a nickname by his drunken delighted English fans, who dubbed him El Nino because of both his jersey number and nationality.  He was also given a song.  Set to the tune of "The Ants Go Marching One by One" Fernando's song went like this:

His armband proved He was a RedTorres, TorresYou'll Never Walk alone it said Torres, TorresWe bough the Lad from sunny SpainYou give him the ball he scores againFernando TorresLiverpool's number nine

Not only do European soccer teams have their own fight songs and player songs, they also have songs for the sole purpose of intimidating opponents and establishing their club's dominance.  The second video in this post is entitled "Fuck Off Chelsea FC."  This raunchy and raucous refrain is aimed at Liverpool's rival club, Chelsea FC.  The song is sung during matches between the two clubs and lists the accomplishments of Liverpool FC and asserts its dominance by questioning Chelsea's legitimacy in the league.  

Both of these songs qualify as participatory because they are sung by the fans in the stadium.  No one tells the fans to sing, nor does the Club (Liverpool) request that they be sung at matches.  The fans want to sing them for pure enjoyment.  The song enhances their experience at the stadium.  They rate these songs by the degree of participation.  Because these people are singing about a sports team, these songs are judged by the fans based on how many other fans sing along.  It becomes a game of who can scream the loudest or have the most fans.  And when finished a sense of comradery falls over the Engish crowd, like the  They give fans a chance to bond socially and a great sense of Communitas is felt while these songs are sung in the crowd.  

So the next time you sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game," or your own school's fight song, just know that you are actually involved in a participatory musical field that brings a sense of communitas and flow to those participating through socialization and the love of the game.

Presentational Music  

The man in the green mask is Tyler the Creator, and this Southern Cali emcee loves to perform.  His shows are intense 'ragers' made up of hordes of teenagers there to express their angst and love of 'Golf Wang.'  This 'odd' ball collection of rappers from California known as Odd Future has a crazily dedicated following. In the video above, Tyler comes out to a mob of angry hyper active young adults.  The line between the audience and Tyler is defined and clearly denoted with a barrier.  The audience is voluntarily providing energy for the performers but unlike participatory music, the audience is not obligated to provide any music. The audience of youngsters values stimulation and crowd energy, resulting in crowd surfing, pushing, and the occasional mosh pit.  Odd Future uses the energy from the crowd and reaches a flow state and give an even better performance, this in turn makes the crowd react with more energy. This results in a circle of energy that passes from crowd to performer.  

High Fidelity Music 

The high fidelity field of music is the most popular and well known world-wide.  This field is made up of musical sounds heard on recordings that index a live performance.  Examples of high fidelity recordings are Vinyl, CD's, Cassette tapes, Mp3's, etc.  Even recordings such as the Door's "Absolutely Live!" concert album and other recordings of live performances are considered to be high fidelity recordings and may contain presentational fields of music within them.  

All Popular music that is used in the music industry is at some point high fidelity.  Without high fidelity music there would be no globalization of popular culture and music.  However the high fidelity music industry has a capitalistic framework, making it the most profitable, hierarchal and competitive field of music.  In high fidelity music value is placed solely on the quality of the performance or performer.  

Studio Audio Art

Studio Audio Art is the field of music associated with engineered audio recordings like Electronic Dance Music (EDM), Dubstep, Electronica, and any other electronic musical recordings.  This art form is free from the idea of authenticity because no real instruments or performers are used.  Studio Audio art can be sold as a high fidelity recording and it can be presentational in places such a dance clubs or concerts where DJ's "perform" their recorded music.  Studio Audio is the least interactive of all four fields because it is only made or performed by the creator once when it is being recorded.  

Commence Armada @ The Irving 

My girlfriend's little brother (AKA the stud pictured above) is probably the coolest kid I know.  He and his band, Commence Armada, play shows all over the Central-Indiana area and would be categorized as "Pop-Punk."  The shows he plays consist of his band, as well as others, that play other sub-genres of Rock N' Roll such as Death Metal, Punk, Metal-core, Beard-core as well as many, many others.  Although I have little appreciation or interest in any of these genres, their live performances are a Hell of a good time.  The shows themselves take place in seedy locations in decrepit venues like old movie theaters and other buildings with spaces the size of my living room.  In almost every venue, the walls have been painted a deep black that reminds me of space or the back of my eyelids.  Couches older than Justin Beiber line the walls and the bathrooms are filled with copious amounts of graffiti and filth.    Outside of the venue fifteen year old 'scene' girls line the street, bumming cigarettes off of strangers and fondling their ear-lobe plugs.  Inside, restless teenagers wait for the band to finish setting up their amps and rigs of equipment.  Right before the show begins, the band warms up with a sound check of thier microphones and equipment.  These shows consist of the voluntary (and sometimes involuntary) participation in a mosh pit.  "Moshing," or "Pitting" as the kids call it, is the action and dance that requires the actors to both flail their extremities in all directions, hoping to land a blow upon another actor's cranium or vital organ, whilst smashing into each other like pissed off big-horned rams.  Now, before any judgement can be placed upon this type of dance, one must consider the frame that this genre and performance falls under.  In the world of all things Metal, moshing is a key aspect of performances.  Inside the pit, there are no rules..... Alright there are some rules, but you get the picture.  The pit is a lawless and dangerous place that should be approached with caution.  If you would rather just relax and enjoy the performance and have no plans of getting a nosebleed, please keep your distance.  If you do decide to enter the pit, you are essentially complying to an "inherit risk" contract and the liability falls upon yourself.  In other words, you can't get upset with a fellow mosher when you get an elbow to your nose upon entering the pit.  When the band strikes up and begins to play, the room fills with electricity as moshers crash and collide like bowling balls to pins.  The vocalists' voice resembled a pig squealing as it was being decapitated.  The guitars resembled the sound of the chainsaw being used to cut off the hog's head.  And the bass drum could be felt in the pit of my stomach, like that of a machine gun, rattling about in an empty laundry dryer.  Altogether the sound was monstrous, filling the room with energy.  My reaction to all of this was a wild and reckless dance that consisted of jumping into fellow moshers, pushing scene-kids around, and screaming like a deranged lunatic who had foregone medication.  I felt a rush of primitive emotions that must have dated back tens of thousands of years to my Neanderthal ancestors fighting a saber toothed cat for a scrap of meat.  In a burst of testosterone and sweat, I leaped about trying to vanquish and destroy everything in my path.  The scenario I have just described was a perfect example of both Flow and Communitas.  The concentration and focus (or Flow) that I experienced was unlike anything else in this world.  I hope and pray that this style of dance makes its way into the Hardcore Hip-Hop scene which I have become fond of recently.  The communitas felt in this example is different from the Communitas that is felt in any other type of dance.  While the music was playing, i felt an intense hatred for the moshers surrounding me.  Why is this?  I knew that they were trying to harm me, so the only way to not get hurt is to push them harder.  This can be achieved by releasing anger.  Not only did I want to hurt my fellow moshers to avoid losing teeth, but the vocalist was screaming obscenities towards the audience which intensifies these feelings of hatred.  And then suddenly, something very strange happened.  The music stopped, and immediately, all of the moshers began to embrace each other.  Complimenting the form of their mosh-mates on their pitting, and laughing about the events that had just transpired.  I too felt a deep connection with all of these weird scene kids that I had just pushed around for five minutes.  There was almost a brotherly connection that is felt between two soldiers after battle.  Because we had survived the chaos together, we felt a bond that lasted until the end of the set.  Then we all went our separate ways, likely to cross paths in a future pit.  

Yours truly

~The Thoughtful Mosher~

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5 Songs That Define Me

KiD CuDi's "Just What I Am" - This piece features Hip-Hop artists KiD CuDi and Chip tha Ripper (King Chip).  The first line and hook - "I'm just what you made God" basically sums up the entire song.  CuDi is saying that God is perfect, so how could he make a mistake?  This song is very uplifting and gives me what some refer to as "the feels," or a strong rush of emotions like joy, and happiness.

Wu Tang Clan's "C.R.E.A.M." - Taken from Rapgenius.com - "Quite possibly one of, if not THE most referenced and quoted hooks in the history of hip hop, Method Man is not glorifying money and excess; rather, he’s saying that money holds power, and is a factor of major decisions made in the world he lives in. Those who have it, have power and those who don’t, won’t get up anywhere; sort of a way of saying “Money is the root of all evil”, if you will" (Rapgenius.com).  

This song and acronym is an accurate description of life in a capital state, and could fit anyone who attends Indiana University.  We are all at school to make money.  It 'Rules' our lives in every way.  From the food we eat, to the cars we drive, money is the basis for all material objects.  Even religious organizations are used to collect money.  As a college student, I am always reminded of the importance of financial success by my parents, superiors, and peers, which I find disconcerting when my priorities as a 19 year old are having fun and spending time with loved ones.

John Mellencamp's "Cherry Bomb" - "Cherry Bomb" is a very accurate depiction of the life of the average Hoosier kid from a small farming community, like Greenfield, Indiana, the city in which I was raised.  Things like dancing, sports, laughing with friends, and holding hands with your sweetheart are all things mentioned in this song that have been a huge part of my life. Back home I played varsity sports, danced and partied, laughed with friends, and held my girlfriend's hand.  Those aren't the only things to do in Greenfield, but its pretty close.   The line "going crazy out in the sticks" perfectly describes my life back in Greenfield.  Although I love the simple life, you can get a little stir crazy sometimes.  

Kanye West's "Family Business" - Family is a huge part of my life.  Coming from a large Irish family, my family has always been a major part of who I am.  We are a very tightly knit group and we share many traditions that keep us together.  We celebrate together, eat together, and live together.  I wouldn't be anywhere without my family, who have given so much out of love and nothing else.  This songs reminds me of my aunts, uncles, cousins, and extened family and how much they mean to me.  This song is about the importance of family in comparison to riches and wealth.  Kanye message to us is to value your family because in the end they are all that truly matters.

The Doors' "People Are Strange" - The song is about feeling alienated and how our perceptions of strangers can change when we are in a new place.  This song is a reflection of the vulnerability we all experience when traveling to a new place.  Under my current circumstances, this song fits perfectly.  When you are miles away from everyone you know and love, you can get pretty jaded.  This song makes me want to alienate myself further from the new faces, but I also know that in doing so, I will only become more depressed.  Instead I will use this song and the death of its author, as a lesson about handling depression by estranging myself.